What is a Normal Sex Life?

The statistics I am using are from the October 2008 SEX UNCOVERED survey conducted by The Observer newspaper. This survey is not the truth of sexual activity in Britain but it is a useful way in to talk about common questions that I get asked.

SEXUAL EXPERIENCE – how many sexual partners have you had?

The average person has had 9 sexual partners, although averages are pretty meaningless figures in themselves. More interesting is the fact that only 20% of the population have had more than 10 sexual partners. People often tell me that their lack of experience makes them feel sexually unadventurous and this impinges upon their confidence. There seems to be an assumption that the more partners you have, the better lover you are or the more ‘sexual’ you are as a person. Neither of these is true and most people imagine that other people have way more partners than they actually do. Quality counts, not quantity. I don’t think it is difficult to build up a pretty large number of partners. Much more tricky to actually focus on having a mutually enjoyable sexual encounter.

SEXUAL CONFIDENCE – how would you rate your sexual performance?

One of the things that undermines people’s belief in the inheherent ‘rightness’ of their own sexuality is assuming that other people are more skilled and better lovers than we are . 24% rate their sexual performance as very good . This means that three-quarters of us think that we are, at best good and at worst, very poor in bed. Many people are anxious about sex, forgetting that the identity of our partner impacts upon sexual performance. Performance is really all about confidence and having a partner who supports your belief in your desirability makes you a good lover with that person. Sex shouldn’t be a performance. If it is, your beliefs about sex could benefit from some self-reflection and examination. Focusing on your own performance makes you want to please your partner in order to uphold your own self-esteem rather than wanting to give pleasure for the sake of it.

SEXUAL SATISFACTION – are you currently satisfied with your sex life?

76% said yes, 24% said no. A quarter of people cannot find a way to create the kind of sexual connections and experiences that they would like to be having. This result is unusual as typically most surveys report over 50% dissatisfaction rates. Those aged 65 and over were more satisfied than those aged 16-24. People in long-term relationships/marriage are more satisfied than single people, although single people report having sex more often. Again, frequency is no guarantee of good sex. Nor is youth and beauty. Of course, we don’t know what satisfied means to the people who answered the questions. No sex can be satisfactory for some people. In fact , 36% of 16-24 year olds believe that it is possible to have a happy relationship/marriage without sex.

SEXUAL FREQUENCY – how often do you have sex?

I think this is THE most common worry that people have. Am I having sex often enough? Is my level of desire normal? 25% do not have any sex in an average month . Not everybody is having a lot of sex and it is likely that many of those are perfectly happy with their situation. Another 25% have sex between 6-10 times a month. Most people do not, except maybe at the beginning of a relationship, have vast amounts of sex all the time. A lot of people believe that everyone has more sex than they do. And they worry about this. Frequency needs to be looked at in relation to satisfaction before people start getting concerned about how much or how little they have sex. If you’re happy and your partner is satisfied, then you’re lucky – regardless of how little or often you are actually having sex.

SEXUAL DESIRE – how do you rate your sex drive?

Levels of desire is another area that people get hung up about. People worry, should I want to have sex more than I actually do? In the survey 32% rate their sex drive as average , 24% describe their libido as low or very low. Most people do not see themselves as possessing a high sex drive. Only 1 in 5 rate their sex drive as very high. Desire ebbs and flows and this is normal and to be expected.

Sexual honesty and deep conversation about sex with a range of people is not something that many of us are lucky enough to experience. We rely on our assumptions, insecurities and fears to ‘imagine’ that other people’s sexual experiences are more frequent, enjoyable and adventurous than our own. Whilst surveys give us averages and the ordinary, they can also reveal that sexuality is diverse and normality is difficult – and rather pointless – to define.


What makes us so afraid to stand up and stand out when it comes to our sexuality? Most people play safe and so do not enable their sexual potential to be explored and attained. The crucial question to ask yourself is:

If I am NOT sexually normal, what does it mean?

Each of us will have our own reasons as to what it means if we feel that our sexual desires, tastes and experiences are not the same as most other people’s. We are free to choose what our sexuality means and not to be dictated to by cultural standards of acceptability. One size does not fit all when it comes to the magnificent variety of preferences, needs, desires, beliefs and opinions that we hold.

It doesn’t mean that we all worry that we are too sexually outrageous. Some may feel that if they don’t want sex ‘enough’ then they are just not very sexual people, which can soon become a belief that one is not desirable and so does not deserve anything else. We forget that sexuality changes over years and from day to day and so defining ones sexuality is not a fixed and final process.

As well as reassuring people that ‘normal’ sexuality is impossible to define, I also discuss the what it means to them to be normal. Why do they seem to want their sexuality to be sanctioned by its apparent ordinariness? This gets to the root of fears about sex and what sex represents. Addressing such concerns contributes to a big increase in people’s confidence, authenticity and self-acceptance.

(c) Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. [http://www.uksexcoach.com]

I am a sex and relationship coach and I work with people who know that sex is important to them but who feel that something is missing from their sex lives. I can help you to explore your own sexual style, desires and needs. Connect to the fun and pleasure potential of your sexuality by working with me and you can become a happier and more confident lover. You will update your knowledge, skills and become more accepting of who are you sexually. Contact me on tara@aragoncoaching.co.uk To receive regular tips, techniques, articles and resources about sex, sign-up for my monthly eZine VENTURESQUE using the sign-up box on my website. [http://www.uksexcoach.com]

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/expert/Tara_Few/83460


Ten Signs You Need a Sex Makeover

Too many married women lose interest in sex because they keep having single-woman sex. It makes sense then that married women must learn to have married-woman sex.

Well of course the burning question on everybody’s mind is, “What the heck is married-woman sex and how do I have it?”

Unfortunately, a key point always gets missed. Women must first work through any negative feelings she has towards sex before she can move forward with married-woman sex. The operative word here is “work”, not shove down, ignore or deny.

When the quick-fix cart is put before the libido horse, a woman will compound her low sex drive frustration. A common example is when people ask me to teach them new “sex tricks”, thinking it will translate to more interesting sex and a higher sex drive. Wrong answer. Years of unresolved, unacknowledged bedroom frustration will stifle any joy gleaned from sexy new moves.

A low sex drive is not like having a flu-something you can “get over” quickly or with a pill. Sexual desire is not something you feel only prior to sex. It’s all the things that go around the sexual experience: your wish, your motivation, and your physical urge to connect in sex.

Add to this the fact that sexual desire and sexual arousal are not one and the same. Sexual arousal refers to the physical and psychological sensations that result from sexual stimulation. Sexual desire is in the brain, while sexual arousal is the body-state-both need to work in unison for a woman to want to have sex. If one or both are even a little out of sync, no sex.

It all comes down to you liking the person and wanting sex in order to have sex. Sound too simplistic to be true? Not really. For the average couple (i.e., couples who aren’t experiencing extraordinary challenges), a big barometer for any relationship is the intimacy and sex that couple is having. If something is out of whack personally, professionally or in the relationship, the sex will show it.

Having single-woman sex: clutch and grab the hot spots, focus on orgasm and let the man’s needs come first (although men are not at fault for our sexual socialization), will do little to nothing for a woman’s lagging sexual desire or arousal. Single-woman sex relies on a love-drugged, revved up libido. After two years, the love drugs wear off and the woman is stuck having the same old sex, which becomes more and more unsatisfying.

So here are ten signs that your sex life might need a makeover-there could be a thousand signs on this list.

(1) You see a young couple kissing and canoodling and you think back fondly, “I remember when…”

(2) Your guy gives you a little bedtime nooky elbow-nudge and you Clint Eastwood-like glower at him and growl back, “Go ahead. Make my day.”

(3) Sex? What Sex?

(4) You count the days between sex to figure when it’s time to have guilt-sex.

(5) You freeze up when your partner playfully touches you because you don’t want him getting the “wrong idea”.

(6) You start buying the ten-pack of grandma-style cotton panties from Costco.

(7) You only ever do it missionary style because it smoothes out the wrinkles and fat during sex.

(8) On a without-kids weekend getaway, having sex once a day is over the top crazy.

(9) Tucking into a good romance novel is far better than the real thing.

(10) Hot and bothered only happens to you now when the thermostat is broken.

How did you do? Sex makeover needed?

Finally, we can answer the burning question, “What is married-woman sex?” For starters, she feels like she is an equal in the bedroom. Neither her sexual desire nor her arousal is derived from libido. She feels enough sexual self-confidence to step it up and take initiative in the bedroom. Sex easily fits into the context of her busy life, where the optimal amount of sex is what works for her at this time in her life.

Yes I know. Nothing concrete, only theory-and what good is theory when there is no starting place? Well here are some questions to chew on:
– How long have you been with your partner?
– How many more years do you intend to stay with him?
– What is your present sexual situation?
– What would you like your sex to be?
– Most importantly, what is the gap between the two sexual situations?

It is this gap you need to take a good hard look at and work through together before you can have a life of fabulous married-woman sex.

Go to: [http://bestsextipsever.com/] for your free podcasts. Find out about Dr. Trina’s book, Till Sex Do Us Part at [http://tillsexdouspart.com] Sexologist, Dr. Trina Read, is an author, sex coach, regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/expert/Trina_Read/30506


Set a Sex Goal

Jack and Jill are not happy with their sex life. After an initial year of hot, wild, bunny-like mayhem, more and more their sex turned into a dull routine. To add insult to injury, having kids made their sex erratic to the point of non-existent. They have long since learned that sex does not magically happen. Even still, they are stymied by a lack of time and energy and have thus spiraled into apathy. Their heart breaking reality is they love each other and want to keep an intimate connection but do not know how.

In this universal relationship Catch-22, it seems superficially like Jack and Jill have a one-way ticket to lifelong sexual misery. Interestingly, they are simply at a crucial sexual juncture and, consciously or unconsciously, must make a tough life choice.

The first most common and by far easiest choice is to deny and throw all their energy into a distraction such as their job, kids, volunteering, computer or TV. Their distraction becomes the “responsible” excuse for why they are not working on their sex life. In this scenario, both feel and act like victims-not the best way to revive a flagging sex life.

The second least common and much harder choice is to take a frank inventory of their sex life and, with unshakeable resolve, move forward to change what is not working.

How can you take this high road? Oddly enough, by pulling a chapter out of business acumen and creating sex goals. A sex goal is exactly as it sounds: a long term objective you want to have happen within your sex life.

A good starting place is to craft a specific vision of what you want the end result to be. What would the perfect sex life look like for you? Or how would you describe a perfect sexual encounter? The more detailed you are, the easier it will be to paint a memorable picture in your head-sometimes the only thing that keeps a couple hanging in when times get tough.

Be aware that a gigantic mistake would be to create a self-defeating uber-goal like, “We will have sex two times per week.” There is too much unresolved sex-baggage that needs to be worked on before you can comfortably go from no sex to anticipating, wanting and having sex twice a week. Instead, having sex twice a week might become your end vision.

Therefore, mini-sex goals are a more realistic approach. Turning long ingrained relationship ruts around has to be done with small, incremental baby steps that are easy to digest, take on, show progress and do not require major life upheavals.

An example of a mini-sex goal would be making a commitment every day to show some type of non-sexual, affectionate contact. This can look like a lingering hug, kiss on the cheek, or bum squeeze. This mini-sex goal is easy, doable and cements a solid foundation to tackle bigger sexual challenges.

Only when you have moved from having to consciously execute your mini-sex goal to making it an unconscious habit, can you then move on to your next mini-sex goal.

At this point you might already be discouraged thinking, “Gee whiz, no instant gratification?” That is correct. Creating new healthy sex habits that will last a lifetime neither come easy nor fast because they can only grow organically. You will see a positive change-just not on your timeline.

Remember to get buy-in from your partner. Your sex goal is not something to be done in secret. Healthy communication, negotiation and mutual respect need to take place if your end vision is to come to happy fruition.

Next is the most exciting and also most discouraging part of the equation: putting your mini-sex goal into action. Initially the honeymoon stage appears, where “goal-haze” gives you an artificial sense of “We’ve got this thing under control.” You and your partner are focused, enthusiastic and excited about the new idea.

However, after the haze wears off and unresolved sticky issues start popping up, there is a huge propensity to avoid and go back to your old sex routine-thus plunging you into a deeper level of helplessness.

Knowing this, it is good idea to do progress check-ins from time to time. Your agreement might be to sit down every three months and reflect upon how much growth (if any) has occurred. Ask each other whether or not you put in a good effort. Did you allow each other to slide back into your old sex habits? What went well? How can you keep up the momentum? Do everything to keep the lines of communication flowing.

Ultimately the choices you make will be reflected in the quality of relationship you experience. Sex goals mean work, but they give a beacon of hope where there was once nothing.

Go to: [http://bestsextipsever.com/] for your free podcasts. Find out about Dr. Trina’s book, Till Sex Do Us Part at [http://tillsexdouspart.com] Sexologist, Dr. Trina is a best selling author, sex coach, regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/expert/Trina_Read/30506


Low Sex Drives Suffered by Women

Low sex drives in women is when a woman lacks the interest for sexual relations with her partner. It is very much common to experience a decline in sex at particular points within a relationship however, if this lack of desire for sex persists, there is an obvious problem.

There are many reasons which could lead to a woman’s lost of sex desire but sometimes, the reasons are not obvious. Physical conditions as well as psychological reasoning’s can cause a woman to have no interest in sex. Many women are able to recognize when the pattern of their normal sex drive changes and this is when women should speak to a medical professional in trying to get to the root of the problem.

Signs of an obvious problem with a woman’s sex drive:

If you have decreased sexual thoughts this could be either a sign that you are very busy or your sex drive is declining which is very much typical when someone is stressed out either at work or home. If you no longer have a desire to have sex or you are reluctant to initiate sex with your partner, there is an obvious problem. Have you stopped masturbating? If you have gone days without sex and you typically want to have sex on a daily basis, this can be a true sign there is an issue with your sex drive.

Many factors can cause low sex drives in women. As stated previously in this article both physical and psychological reasons can be the underlying factors associated with that. Medical professionals should be able to identify what particular factors have triggered this obvious condition.

Menopause can be one of the determining factors. As women age, it might take longer for the woman to become sexually aroused with of course experiencing less intensity as compared to the earlier years of the woman in question. During menopause, the ovaries will stop producing estrogen which can lead to dryness of the vagina which can in return make sexual intercourse painful. The lack of estrogen thins the vagina walls which lead to soreness after and during sex.

If you are, experiencing discomfort or dryness during sex, hormone replacement therapy could work for you. This is where estrogen is replaced in your body with hormones or vaginal lubricants which can be purchased over the counter in most pharmacies.

If a woman is pregnant, the pregnancy can affect her entire body. The pregnancy leads to hormonal changes which can affect the woman emotionally as well as physically. The desire for sex may wane but the good news is that this can pass and more than likely the sex drive of the pregnant female will increase as the pregnancy progresses.

Some women experience pain during intercourse. Who wants to have sex if it hurts? This is a common occurrence with many women who experience low sex drives. Women who experience pain during intercourse will experiencing tensing and some women do not even want to deal with the pain therefore they avoid sex altogether.

Illness can be the reasoning for low sex drives in women. If women are continually sick, this will definitely decrease their interest in sex. If you are sick, it’s always best to avoid sex until you are feeling better. Any disease of the pituitary gland will decrease the sex drive of women due to the position of where the pituitary gland is located which is near the brain. This location of the brain produces many important hormones and when this is affected, a woman will experience a lower sex drive as compared to normal.

Addison disease and Cushing’s syndrome can great affect the sex drive of women as well due to effect that Addison has on the kidney’s and the effect which Cushing’s has due to high levels of cortisol in a woman’s body.

In various cases, the diseases are not the actual cause of the low sex drive it’s the medications utilized to treat the diseases which cause the low sex drive in women. Women who have or are on high blood pressure medications or diuretics will agree with this obvious fact.

The best way to arm you with increasing your low sex drive is to first speak to a medical professional. Or you can try out some herbal or natural remedies.

Having a low sex drive can create a dramatic impact on you and your significant other. If you are experiencing a low sex drive, do not worry for there are natural ways of dealing with low sex drives in association with sexual dysfunctions in women. Check out http://www.her-libido.com to find out more.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/expert/A._Kho/354922


Change Prospectives About Sex

Earth is so old. God made the sun, earth, the moon, and other planets. That´s what many of us believe. Now no one knows if that is the truth. Now this can also be denied by many anti-religious people. But something has made this world? Now lets take it to be God himself. Now God made everything that exists in world today. When it comes to evolution of the human race, we know talks are going to crop up about Adam and Eve.

Adam was the supposed first male of the world and Eve was first female. Now God knew that a male alone couldn’t continue to race. So just like he made a female side to all the animals, he made a female side to human also in the form of Eve. Sex then became the most important activity. This is because if there was no sex, there would be no human race. As sex increased, humans increased. This is the reason why sex SHOULD be given a lot of importance.

Today, there are many countries in the world where sex is considered as a taboo. I am from a very different kind of a family. I was born to an Indian lady and a Scottish man. This is perhaps the reason why I have an open and broad mind about sex. If I were born to an Indian couple, then I would be considering sex as a taboo like so many other Indians. Why is it that in developing countries sex is not given the importance and the openness it needs and deserves? Why is it that the inhabitants of these countries have forgotten the basic lessons of evolution of human race? Is it so shameful?

Now I don’t know so much about other developing countries apart from India. Now this stay in India, I have learned that pre-marital sex is supposedly obscene and a taboo in itself. If a girl loves a boy, all efforts are made to separate them, at least in most cases. But yes, its true, even India is trying to adopt the western culture. What they don’t understand is the way of clothing, the cosmetics, their skin color, and such things are not what they should be picking up from the western culture. They open-mindedness is what is required. The orthodoxy is what has to vanish and banish. But it will take another 62 years for that to happen, or may be even more. No one is going to go to each of the small village in India and tell them to speak freely about sex, to be actively involved in it. I mean why be against sex, where as Hindu religion (predominant religion in India) is the only religion with a complete BOOK on sex? Its the only religion where God is shown active in sexual activity (Lord Krishna in Kamasutra). Now when you believe so much in God, shouldn’t you also believe in everything related to the same God?

Sometimes I don’t quite understand now I cant help that. But now that I am staying in India, the girl I am in love with is an Indian. Now I was always worried about the possible differences we might have had in our mentalities. But I am lucky and I must say that the generation today even in a country like India is making efforts to understand sex. A person who is actively involved in SAFE sex is a hero in himself. He shouldn’t be looked at as a criminal.

Why is it that sex is seen as a taboo? This is because surely somewhere sexual activity might have been used in non-acceptable manner. This is the reason that when it might have happened in an uncontrollable account, sex was made into a taboo. I really hate those men who have to take advantage of their physical ability to force a lady into some sort of sexual activity. Sex is not something to be hurtful and forced. It is something both a man and lady is supposed to enjoy. They should be able to compliment each other in sex.

A couple that is healthy in their sexual activity, is a healthy and wise couple. Sex has changed over the past centuries. With time everything changes. Earlier, oral sex was not that famous, but when a religious script like Kamasutra have oral sex pictures and paintings, there is no harm in actually having it now in the sex dictionary. But personal hygiene and health is a must. You cannot be personally unhygienic and spread you bad hygiene to the person you are getting sexually involved with.

Now some might say after being with the same partner for long might turn sex into the most boring thing in life. But this is sadly not the truth. Just like sex has changed in itself so much since the past centuries, we can blindly accept that so many changes have been caused, that means so many modifications have been made, that means there are so many things that can be done differently, that further means that its a vast subject, which no one ever bothers to research apart from sex experts. This is exactly why sex experts make such a posh living. Because everyone wants to have a non-boring sex life, so in stead of researching on their own they take help from the sex experts. Well there is nothing wrong in it. I myself am in favor of this. The margin of mistakes and risks are lower in taking help from a sex expert.

What am I trying to say in this who writing here? I am just trying to talk freely about sex. Because if a person has to be good at sex, he has to be able to talk about it freely to the world. This is just my try to be good at sex. This is just something I learned from a sex expert. Talking. Talking about the subject sex, itself gives you the interest and enthusiasm to have a better sex life with your partner. My next article is going to be the various beliefs about sex that people have in mind, mainly ´SIZE MATTERS´ notion. For now I can only say, don’t be ashamed of talking about sex, don’t be ashamed of having sex, be a LOYAL and SAFE sexually active person.

A good sex life will reflect in your day to day activity. The night you make love to your wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend, the next morning you are happier than the morning before. The key to keep the lock called love open and alive for many more years to come is Sex. Use this key well and healthy and decently and legally and you will see how smooth your relationship with your partner goes on.

Thank you for reading…

Cheers [_]>


If you need any assistance in learning more about your own sexual capabilities then you can visit Robb Engels Blog [http://robbedengel.wordpress.com/aa-rs__newsletters/]

You can also watch a few teaser videos about a sex experts program at My Videos [http://robbedengel.wordpress.com/aa-rs_vids/]

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